It's all about self

An excellent day of training today as my preparation for the Liverpool Triathlon gathers pace. With less than 12 weeks to go I have had to start doing some specific work in order to be ready on June 21st. And in doing so I have learnt once again that self-discipline isn't something I have in abundance.

Looking back through my life I can see how apathy, a lack of direction, and no self-discipline has proved costly. A lack of revision, training and preparation has meant that I have always been a nearly man. And being somebody who SHOULD have done better has been hard to live with at times, although I feel I am more comfortable with it now. For a long time it was a source of much upset and frustration as I felt I never achieved my full potential. It finally broke me as I entered my thirties when I realised I had to do something about it or I was destined for a life of unhappiness and regret. I returned to study, changed jobs, took up new hobbies and pastimes including running and football coaching, and gradually changed my life. Today I find myself much more content with my lot than at any other point in my life, but also with an ever-expanding list of things I wish to accomplish in my life. I am fully aware that I am trying to make up for lost time, (my twenties should be called 'The Lost Years" as I did nothing and simply felt lost throughout those years. Sadly those are the years which are generally the most productive for most people, but for me it was the opposite. And I am continuing to pay for it today.

I truly admire people with self-discipline. Those who get up at 6am for a run if they know they will be busy during the rest of the day. Or the student who plugs away during any spare time possible, and who hand in their work on time. I aspire to this but often fall short, and it really frustrates me. The times when I do get up for an early run I fell fantastic. Or when I give my work in ahead of the deadline date makes me feel fulfilled and worthy. But I have to work at it so much. I want it to come naturally.

When I arrived at the swimming pool today I had set myself a target of 32 lengths, which is roughly half a mile. Thankfully I completed the task although I struggled at times. I had to force myself to do it, fighting my inner voice which was telling me to stop after just a few lengths. But I did it, which made me feel good. When I forced myself to the running club at 18:30 pm I felt even better. 1 hour later and I had completed some gruelling speedwork. It was my first double training session in ages, and I am certain I will sleep tonight.

My feet are up now and my eyes feel heavy. But I feel satisfied with my efforts as I have defied myself. The real me, the one who lurks underneath, didn't want to swim, and certainly didn't want to push myself around Calderstones Park in the way I did. That part of me is probably annoyed tonight as it has lost out. Tomorrow is another day, and who knows what will happen. But today is a victory for the man with no self-discipline, for today he produced just enough to get the job done. But I had to work for it.